Ban on Beards!

Henry VIII beardFor the past few weeks Beardilizer has been talking about the good, the bad, and the beardy trends. Since all of us on staff are True Believers it came as no surprise to us that the beardy backlash has begun. While the United States appears to be safe, for now, from any beardy bullshit, England and Russia are no strangers to ridiculous legislation that is nothing but an attack on beards. No, but really, there have been beard taxes.

The Judas behind the current proposal for a beard tax in England is a BARBER. This man (who Beardilizer will not name) proposed that Parliament should implement a tax on beardos; roughly £100 to have a beard (130 Euros/$145.86 for those of you not in England). The privilege of being able to have a lion’s mane on your face is pretty steep! In addition to the product that you use to keep your mane looking fantastic this godless heathen from Worcester thinks that you should pay even MORE money. That’s rich, coming from a third generation whisker shaper-upper. Where did this traitor get his idea, you might be thinking? What sort of fool thinks that a budget can be balanced by unfairly taxing whiskers? A fool who has done his homework!

If you paid attention in history class you may recall the tyrannical rule of Henry VIII. The man had a sharp beard and an even sharper axe (okay, he only executed two wives). Reading about this mad King can lead you down many different history rabbit holes but there is one that is scary to beardos everywhere: the lore of the 1535 beard tax. What sort of monster would want to tax bearded men everywhere, just to prove a point? This is some OG ‘taxation without representation’ right there. While there is very little evidence to point to this proposed law, Beardilizer dug deeper. Where did this beard hatred come from? Who inspired it? The rabbit hole went deeper.

Beard haters are well documented. Jerks always like to create a paper trail! After several hours of looking for information about beard wax in 15th Century England, we discovered something truly horrifying. In 1697, a hundred years after the self-loathing beardo Henry VIII, a Russian Tzar by the name of ‘Peter the Great’ became every beardos worst enemy. This Russian leader put in place a ban on beards that lasted until 1772 (1772-1697=75!). This ban was for EVERY Russian citizen who wanted to enter any city in Russia. The price to pay for your beard? 100 roubles, which was a small fortune at the time! If you kept your beard you would pay a fine of one kopec (a penny) and you would get a “beard token” so that you could keep your mane. Imagine living in poverty and having to pay to keep your beard or face the humiliation of a forcible beard removal. To add insult to injury, the beard token was inscribed with the following, “The beard is a superfluous burden.”

History repeats itself and will continue to do so. Beard taxes, especially taxes brought on by our own people, are bologna. As an act of protest, fluff out your beard, hang out with your homies and educate each other about the history of systematic beard oppression.