Beards are metal are essentially synonymous. While Marty Ray may have one of the gnarliest beards in the singer/songwriter world, returning to Beardilizer’s roots seems appropriate given the time of year. Halloween has come and gone, Thanksgiving is upon us and what better time to reflect on what you are thankful for than now. Beardilizer is so thankful for the following beards and the music that these talented dudes have been putting out for years. Yes, of course there was some smack talking about what is metal and what isn’t (Rob Zombie is not metal – White Zombie is metal but solo Zombie is pure manufactured pop) but there were a few beards that the team agreed hailed as the best.
The same super-dork who noticed that Mastodon was in Game of Thrones, insisted that the holy Mastobeard be featured in this article. The flaming glory that has provided us with some of the most righteous visuals (seeing Mastodon live is a life affirming experience). Try listening to Mother Puncher without associating with that beard. It’s obvious that Brent Hinds cares about his beard! He’s covering up part of his face with a tattoo, but that does not distract from the bottom half of his face; nothing comes near that fiery mane of manliness. What is his trick for keeping his beard looking insane but manageable? It is probably something very similar to the Beardilizer spray (not that our resident fan-boy has been able to confirm this information), for that crazed but contained look. Another lead singer, who gets very little love, is a nerd fan-favorite: Neil Patrick Fallon from Clutch.
Clutch has been around for a long ass time but remain relatively obscure outside of their genre. Neil’s beard, however, should be famous by this point. It’s unruly but not in a way that you would anticipate: it varies in length but it is always there. The importance of beard maintenance, especially when you understand how to style your beard in a flattering way is something that not many people consider when they’re almost always on tour. Maybe Neil is a secret Beardilizer reader? The world may never know. Either way, listening to Clutch is metal but not as metal as the last beard to make the cut. This beard is metal enough by proxy that it should need no explanation.
Kerry King is a household metal name. Everyone listens to Slayer and everyone loves Slayer. If you don’t, then you obviously are mentally ill. Kerry’s beard should have its own tour bus. The beard to end all beards is synonymous with the concept of the band now; even if they wear their own t-shirts (don’t be that guy, guys). Either way, the King beard stands alone: it’s huge, it’s long, and it is obvious that he is using beard oils to maintain the polished look that he is going for. All in all, most metal beardos do put a lot of work into their look, which most normies don’t stop to think about.
Having a beard doesn’t mean that you’re too lazy to shave; it’s an investment and part of your particular style. Think of our beloved Dimebag Darryl and his beard, the next time you get ready for work. What would his beard want for you? To shred and be righteous.