Breaking Beard – The Goatee

goatees are evilOver the past few months, there has been a lot of talk around the Beardilizer office about beards and the power they have to make someone a righteous badass. We’ve talked about the glorious beards of the 80’s, how sensual Kurt Russell’s beard is in The Thing, and how to kick ass while being beardy. Since all of us nerds over at Beardilizer have all wanted to be bad guys at one point (or are secret bad guys!) we thought it would be fun to talk about how villains always have crappy facial hair. Is there a relationship between evildoers and their sub-par situations? Did Snively Whiplash turn to a life of crime since he couldn’t figure out how to grow a beard out? Of course, the guys at Beardilizer thought about this long and hard, arguing over what constituted a goatee, what made someone a true super-villain and if one of our favorite bad beards would have hunted us down for the insults that we heaped upon his frightening face.

Are villains just simply too lazy to grow a beard while they’re trying to take over the world, or the galaxy? Putting time and energy into growing a goatee seems counterproductive, if you’re trying to be an intergalactic super villain. For example, look at General Zod. Our office nerds went crazy over this concept; would Zod have tried to take over Krypton if he had been able to figure out how to grow a beard out? Would he have sought a different life, had he been confident that his goatee did not only make him look terrifying but it indicates that he’s severely unhinged. Maybe Zod was in dire need of a beard supplement to help him grow his patchy facial hair in? The world may never know since there is no Bizarro universe in which Beardilizer is there to help General Zod, as much as the dorks on staff would like it. Zod falls victim to the same styling as another epic villain from another multi-verse. The hunter we mentioned above was able to stalk Spider-Man in an effort to prove himself as the greatest hunter in the entire galaxy.

Kraven suffers from the same problem as General Zod, insecurity. Any villain who has to prove that they are the best at their job (You had one job, Kraven!) begs the question, “What is your malfunction?” It’s okay, baddies, there is hope for your beard. Unless of course you’re thrown off a roof and fall 30 stories to your untimely death, in one of the best holiday movies of all time, Die Hard. Alan Rickman’s goatee, just like the other baddies listed above is gross. That goatee is going to murder everyone and it does not care. Maybe villains are insecure about their face and struggle with beard identity problems. Look at Evil Spock, after all. Would bad guys be bad guys if they did not have crappy not-beards? Who knows! Either way, think about how different life for General Zod would have been if he had taken the time to grow out a proper beard, and take care of it. Even if you’re growing out your beard and you’re feeling not so hot about what is on your face, slap on a Beardilizer cap and let the beard grow. Be confident and don’t bug John McClane or else you and your face might meet an untimely demise.