The vastness of space leaves much room for awesome facial hair. There are so many fantastic facial situations in the multi-verse, such as Sean Connery, Harrison Ford’s scruff in ‘Blade Runner’, Evil Spock in ‘Star Trek: The Original Series’ and the classic bearded, trombone playing wonder Commander William Riker. Riker’s beard is epic. It moves through space and time, inspiring lust and awe everywhere it goes. After all, it does symbolize a change from mediocrity to awesome.
The phrase, “Riker’s beard” symbolizes a change in the tone of a show, moving it from awkward to remarkable. The pilot of ‘The Next Generation’ is not good. The first season is pretty rough, truthfully. There is no getting around it. From the awkward initial plot twists, to almost immediate reveal of the Enterprises’ capabilities of separation, and the introduction of the beardless space-whiner Wesley Crusher (who’s since rectified the issue to his credit), there is nothing to be desired in the pilot of this great show. What is to blame for the change in tone and shift into gripping, life-changing television? Commander Riker’s beard which made its first appearance in episode two changed every man, woman and child’s life for the better. Do you know what ‘Imzadi’ means? No? It’s the Betazoid term for soulmate, primary partner, an individual’s everything. That is how everyone feels about Riker’s beard. Without his beard, Commander Riker is totally undesirable, unbearable and he can’t fight worth a hill of beans.
Riker’s beard really does bring the character together! Worf’s sad little goatee is not acceptable and it’s not as if Captain Piccard could grow a beard since this isn’t ‘Dune’. Riker’s beard adds to the hilarity of the character, since it is soon joined by a trombone. A beardy jazz trombone player in space is perhaps a touch silly. A beardy jazz trombone-playing intergalactic lover with a passion for kicking ass, well, that sort of character is right up Beardilizer’s alley. Not to harp on the beardless weasel Wesley Crusher but does he fight anyone and look like a glorious warrior while doing so? Captain Kirk may have advanced the infamous Star Trek double handed forward thrust (the fight move made famous by William Shatner: clasping both of your hands together and throwing your arms up and down to knock down your enemies) but he looked like a fool doing it. A real man grows a beard and clobbers aliens in the name of the Prime Directive!
It ain’t pretty, folks.
While some of the above is a very dramatic take on the influence of facial hair on the cultural phenomena of Star Trek, there are a few things that are very true. Star Trek shaped the lives of countless people. It revolutionized socio-cultural norms and gave many people hope that there was a better future ahead of us. Seeing a burly, bearded man turn into a stone-cold swarthy lady-killer was as much a part of history as the rest of the show. Beards make history, people!
At Beardilizer, we believe all beards are beautiful. So, the next time you’re on a weekend long television marathon remember that Beardilizer promotes a better beard from the inside out. Remember the beards of television past, the places they have been and how they got there. From a great beard, comes great responsibility. Take your vitamins and remember to polish your trombone! Space is a huge place and adventures await you. Beardilizer has your back.