The Kinky and Beardy Origins of Valentine’s Day

Garey Faulkner beard valentine

Garey Faulkner (IG username: @misledcincinnati)

Sunday marks one of the worst holidays of the year: Valentine’s Day. This holiday has nothing to do with beards, nothing to do with food, there’s no football, and everyone is miserable. To make up for the fact that everyone’s girlfriends have been demanding a dozen roses, a giant stuffed bear, and fancy dinner the Beardilizer staff decided to do some investigating into the origins of this holiday. Out of morbid curiosity, we wanted to see if these modern traditions were historically accurate. As it turns out, the origin of Valentine’s Day involves a lot of nudity, animal sacrifice, a ton of booze, and a large dose of s&m.

All of the good parties in history are Roman parties. Between the togas, the beards, the very open bedroom doors and a general appreciation for kink, the Romans knew how to get down. Lupercalia – a holiday where men hit on women by literally beating them with hides of animals in hopes that this beating would make it easier for them to get pregnant. Young men drew the names of women out of a jar and were allowed to spend some quality time with them during the duration of the festival (2 days) or more if they hit it off. Imagine being a fine Roman dude, with your sick beard, your toga and a holiday that is devoted solely to running around naked, hitting on women. Better put on some beard oil and look confident since you’re naked.

In the 3rd Century, two men, both named Valentine, were murdered by a Roman Emperor. There was no explanation for their deaths, however Roman Emperors were never known for being chill. As time passed, the naked part of the party went away and February 14th became more of a giant party and less of an outdoor bondage club. Still, though, it should be pointed out that at no point during any of this merriment were hearts, candy, roses, or any sort of sanguine crap involved.

Our beardy brains were blown when we figured out that only recently (in the 19th century) did the holiday turn into a hellish, pink-themed nightmare. Lupercalia, on the other hand, was a holiday that let those beardy Roman dudes run around celebrating female fertility.

Our conclusion about modern love is that it is something completely different than what the Romans felt. Displays of masculinity and the open, mutually appreciated pursuits of carnal relations is something that doesn’t happen very often in the contemporary Valentine’s Day. Imagine what your partner (or would-be partner) would do if you showed up to their house, looking fresh to death in a toga, and holding a flogger made out of an animal that you had sacrificed in their honor. That is essentially the perfect date night for all of us dudes at Beardilizer. There is no nonsense, you get to make your beard look amazing with all of your sick wax and grooming skills, and at the end of the day, your partner knows that you sacrificed an animal to the Gods that ruled this planet long before Hallmark showed up and made everything doily covered hearts.